Before you go out and start shopping and get yourself in all kinds of trouble with your girlfriend or wife and end up not having sex for weeks just like last Christmas, I'm going to help you out and tell you the things not to buy her for Christmas.

There are tried and true formulas of gifts to stay away from, so print this out and take it with you. You can thank me later by buying me a gift that is not on this list.

Even if she has been kicking and screaming about how horrible her vacuum is and yelling that if she has to clean the living room rug one more time with a link roller she is going to kill everyone she sees, DO NOT buy her a vacuum for Christmas. She will give you a look of death and maybe start throwing things, and things will go downhill from here.

Just stay away from anything related to household chores. Get her anything like that and you are basically telling her that she needs to clean more. This is a very very very bad idea.

Unless she has specifically asked for one, do not go the giant stuffed animal route. A small one, if she's into that, is fine, but a giant one is creepy and expensive and you really should have spent the money on jewels or clothing or wine or at least gift cards.

This is knows as the Fishing Pole Role. You will not fool her for a second that this gift is not really for yourself and she will be angry and hurt that you thought more about yourself than her. This then leads to the No Sex for Weeks Rule, which I know you don't want.